To the reader who by some odd event chances upon this blog, a little intro. Ok, more like a long intro. Please bear with me.

A warning, the tale (this blog) I tell has many depressing elements.

Change of Plan : It's now really depressing.

( Read more... )
A little more info for the readers of this blog and what you can expect from it. (posted links are below)
Or really, go to archives and start reading from the 1st post on, oldest to newest, story told more linearly. (or click here, scroll down for earliest post. )

[Some of the links below have many parts, so just click on the multiple posts to get a fuller answer. And just in case you didn't know. Most recent post are at the top, so start reading from the bottom up. Oldest to newest.... in the order of things.]

Why write this kind of blog? (short answer, hopefully to help people)
What took you so long?
ClownInPathos name explained.
All the introductions explained.
What was the catalyst idea for this blog?
(this segment is completely skippable, if it is of no interest to you, or go for the shortest of synopsis and just read “Starting Point intro.”)
Thesis Statement for this blog. (uh.. sort of, I'm pretty sure I will veer off topic at times)

For the arch of this blog, I will like to say a few things that the viewer should keep in mind.*

( Why I’m writing...  )

(click on the links for a fuller explanation)

Notes on my use of Emoticons.

Memory is never 100%.

To understand what I write about, it would be good to look at this Timeline. I jump around a lot referencing back on a lot of different periods in my life. (or for more in depth one go here.)

This is only one person’s opinion. Formed by only one person's experiences. Into this one perspective. I do not represent all azns.
A little background info on me.

To the people who will not like me talking about them on this blog, I’m SORRY, but I have to.

The use of generalizations and some stereotypes are necessary, if you are to come to a conclusion, it gives context.

Notes on Tangents

*will periodically update this post as the progress of this blog comes along.

(will update with more info. as the progression of this blog moves along. Know that this post will often see changes and additions.)

For one, there will be a lot of rehashing and repetition, important moments in your life always seem to come up often, sorry for having to repeat, but it's just how things are going to have to go.

As I’ve already said in this post, the organizational structure of this blog is going to be messy.

( Explains why and how I will organize my post... )

This is the designated area where I will organize my posts by categories. And also show all the related links. Shows a more outlined representation on how I will tell my story. It’s to make navigating this blog more user-friendly.

(Place holder Posts, are Posts I have yet written, but needed them there for the link.)

( Tumor: table of contents  )

Next Chapter   Intro, a Warning. Pre-Timeline 3 year Timeline Part I-VI (or skip to..) Conclusion Why couldn't I be Normal?

RANDOM Macintosh Tangent   Teachers   Compare & Contrast

I *sniffle* ...am *sniffle* ...back *deep breath* ...in SF *painfully exhales, while gloomily shaking her head*


Wow, It's been a long time, no? Sorry for the belated update, I was too busy to write anything until now.  Since the last time I've posted... I moved... yet, Again *sigh exasperatedly* (T T)

(this is mostly going to be me talking to myself.)

Oh, man.... hopefully this moved will last more then my usual half an year. I can’t keep doing this. Always running. Hopefully the head punch and the kick to the gut that I received from going back to WA, will make me remember to be more humble and stop running. My eyes have been wrenched open and I can finally see more clearly. I know now that it wasn't the right time for me to go back to WA, I hadn't had my life together yet and I have too many weaknesses to have gone back alone. I just wasn't ready to go back, not yet, not now, not until I can have my own house and own a car... and I have to remember that.

“Clowninpathos, pleeeeease. stop. runninggggg.” I seriously need to stop dealing with life by always wanting to walk away, I'll never get anywhere with that attitude and all I'll keep doing is making mistakes. Painful, torturous, never ending mistakes.

I need to stop thinking in fantastical fantasies and really have to finally face reality. Life is harsh and requires work. My life isn’t right, I didn't put enough of the work to have options and choices, foolishly I thought I did, going back to WA was not the way to fix my problem. All I was doing was running away again. I know that now, . . . I... know that now. 

(ーー;) *sigh* "What a long and painful road it's taken me to get here. To realize this little fact of my life."

o(╯╰)o “Please let this be the last lesson I need to learn, I really want to get this done. Finish this blog and be done, so that I can move on, if I keep tripping up like this, wasting so much time, I’ll never get there.” *makes the sign of the cross* "Amen."

So we are back to square one, but lets hope this is a new square, I’ve learned my lesson. Let's try to see this as a new beginning. I'll try to stop being so arrogant, egotistical, and stubborn, I’ll try to say sorry more, know that I am wrong, and that I am stupid.  I will try to be more humble. I need to learn how to let these negative habits go, all these flaws that keep holding me back.

"So life, please stop punishing me, OK?"  *asks pleadingly*  "Thank you."

Back here in SF with a new perspective... Let me finally get some peace of mind, that I couldn't find in WA, I lost that long ago, the moment my old Redmond house was sold. It's why when I went back I wasn't able to find it again. There was no home to go back to. I was never going to find peace there. I get that now, so let's try to make the best out of this situations, instead of nitpicking all of the bad. I have to remember that. It's the only way I'll be able to finally finish this blog. I really have to stop running.

Life is made out of difficulty, there are no easy ways out, rewards are only given to the hard workers, the non-quitters, the open-minded, and the ones with the right attitude. I seriously need to remember that.

and I Thank you Russell Simmons for teaching me that.

I still have to get things done, trying to get things settled, here in SF, so I won’t write as often, But I’ll try to get back to writing this thing/blog as soon as I can. And that’s my update for now.

I'm sorry, I've hit a wall, and really thinking about my life... I don't know if I an stay in WA, it's too lonely... So I'm taking some time out to think things over. So I'm not going to post so regularly.

To be Azn in America. East meets West, what a horrible combination. It’s all a mess, an explosion in my face, the mesh of two opposing cultures. For me at least. That was my greatest downfall.

It’s what made me cope so badly in this country. I might be able to label myself Chinese-American, but in reality, I was never able to live well with that label. To be Azn is so different then being American. I thought I was assimilated to this country, I believe in it’s ideals, and bought into it’s dreams. But I never knew until later that I was too influenced by being Azn to be so easily American.

Azn is about family, and to be dependent, it’s about safety. It’s hard work and hierarchy. 

American is about friendship, and to be independent, it’s about dreams. It’s love and equality.

I thought I could be American, but being born Azn, I could never really be American. My life, my parents, so much of it didn’t set me up to be that. I couldn’t be American because I never learned the skills to succeed in that. This is what my father didn't get, it's what he didn't know.

( Read more... )

I want to tell how it is to be Azn in a country that is made and born from western thought, for me that’s America. And how I fell through traps I never saw develop when two cultures met and clashed. I want you to do better then my dad and my mom, what my parents could have done for me. I want you to know so that you aren’t left saying dumb things that tell your kids you don’t understand them.

So this, what I have to say, will most likely resonant most to other Azns out there. This is what I have to say to you. I am not Chinese, I was never taught how to be that nor think in that way to be what I was born to being. And I can’t be American because I was born to a Chinese household to be comfortable in calling myself American.

That’s the trap I fell into. I want to tell you how to avoid that. What my parents did wrong, what I did wrong, so that you don't follow in their nor my footsteps, to use oblivion as an excuse. Be it for you, or for your children. I hope you can learn from what I have to say. This will be a big Topic on my BLOG. We will explore this more in depth as my writing comes along.

If you ever watched Cesar Millan’s TV show, you’ll know on how dogs live, what he says of them. They live in the present, so whatever happened in the past, in many ways it doesn't matter, they can start anew today, so whatever was true yesterday, doesn't have to be for today (a comment on past behavior and how a dog can be retrained). But humans.... the curse of the human, it always remembers the past. 

That's the problem, I am not a dog.. or an ant.. I’m human... and a very flawed on at that. We humans steer our own destinies. Our lives are about more then just eating and a warm place to sleep in. We are about achieving much more, so we wrestle with more hardship, more struggle....

( Read more... )

Not long ago I had a really awkward, pretty bad conversation with my dad. It so was not good. Also ended on a really bad note. But it needed to be said, at some point I needed to tell him the truth.

It started with me asking about what I should do about my situation in WA. Asking for some advice. If I should stay in WA or think of other options, just letting him know how bad I felt at the moment, not being happy about my life, etc. All the “It Wasn't Worth it” posts talked about.... Well, the conversation eventually went to where it inevitably it was heading.

I told him of how unhappy I was ( Read more... )

To be so blessed as to just want a normal life, you’ll be satisfied with what comes with it..... Why could I never have that? (T T) *painfully scoffs at the very thought*

My god... that would have been so much less pain, less misery. To be ok with wanting what all and everyone else wants. To get married, have kids, to go for normal.... To actually fear death, to want a job, to be ok with 9 to 5. To go on the same path as everyone else does, to work for now and look for retirement. To just eat and be able to pay the rent. To pass the time with friends... To live for friends, be sociable, be able to see the world with so much more light, want, need, love, and . . . .

( Read more... )

The next few posts will put the above ramble into more context. I want to expound on the idea of the want for normal. Because I mostly just  want to vent.

(Wow, this turned out boring, it's just me venting, so this is skippable.)

So as always, once I introduce one of my random series post, I always follow up with an example for it.  And since I have already talked a bit about it already, let me expand upon it. I really want to vent on it. Rain Gutters....

This one is about the idea of design. Architecture to be more exact. I guess everyone needs to get a job. It never occured to me before, but wow... all those people that go to college to get their degree or go for a job will eventually get a job in their chosen field. No matter how good or bad they are at it.

Or people miss out on the usability or practicality of things. That in really life how well you think you designed something doesn’t always make it so. This came up a lot, once I started to live in many different places.

I really, REALLY didn’t know just how awesomely spoiled, SPOILED I was, living in my old Redmond home. That place was just simply awesome. God, I miss that place soooo much. It was so perfect. All the things that I found just so irritating about the places I’ve lived in over the last 3 years, none of it, just none of it, I ever experienced in my old Redmond home.

( Read more... )              

Wow, I don’t think I’m explaining this right. I wonder if you can understand or imagine the image I’m trying to convey. How annoying these rain gutters are, in the way they are situated. How they are constructed.

All I’m trying to say is it’s better to sacrifice the beauty of things for the actual usability of it. Or go back to the drawing board... and know that there is a problem, Architects!! Never have rain gutters that only stop short on the 1st floor. If the gutters only stop short on the top of the roof, then think of another better design where the gutters go all the way to the ground floor. Away from any sleeping quarters. Especially if it rains a lot in that area and the gutters are right outside the window... Shutting them close does not mute away the noise.

As you can see from my last few post and timeline, I have been traveling and moving a lot in my most recent few years.

And because of that, I really want to share, well ok more like vent and rant, about how it is to live in more the just one place. How they Compare to each other. How they differ and Contrast.

I just thought it would be an interesting thing to think about. Something that people really should think about if they are to move, maybe be more prepared on how place differ, they aren’t the same. Very basic things to know, but I, for one, never really seem to know once I was faced with the actual reality of things. I just want to give some advice others never gave me.

I write a lot of things hoping to help someone know more, things I wished someone had told me.

My “Compare & Contrast” posts (under the same named tag) will dwell on....

1.    How it is to live in different places.
2.    My observations on design and technology.
3.    The differences between China and America.

Tumor Epiphany

• Tumor continuum
  • Junior Year
    • Average Grades
    • Lousy Teachers
  • Sleep Thinking
    • Escapist
      • phonecall
      • I talk to myself
    • Car Accident
    • Pause
    • The Fork
      • Worth
  • Typical day
  • Age 10
• Conclusion
  • Part I
  • Part II
  • Part III
    • T: One more thing...

Timeline, below, a sort of reference guide, as you read.

Redmond WA > SF5 > China > SF7 > LV > SF Last > WA1 > WA2, Now

Part VI

I left WA in such a rush that I forgot my umbrella when I went to SF. So when I got there and I found myself caught in a downpour. The rain washed away any happiness I had built over the previous years, depression began to set in like never before, as I was getting soaked through in the brutal rain. It has been the worst time of my life. Never have I felt so hopeless and more confused and directionless than Ever.. In. My. Life!

( Why Acceptance? )

To come full circle. Out of WA to SF to now back in WA again. My life never told me anything, it’s why I have to leave my comfort zone and learn to really see. To leave and experience these 3 years. I had to, I just had to, without it, I would have been still so stupid... ignorantly blissful, yes, but for how long? I couldn’t sustain that life either. I still think and want the same out of my life that I did when I was that person, it’s just now I know more. I know more why and how to maybe solve my issues, when before I would have never known, all my fixes were superficial. I would have failed, or not have filled my potential to achieve so much more.

Before all of this, I just didn’t know, I didn’t understand, I had to concrete evidence, had to tangibility. I had no grasp, I didn’t get it, how could I? I had little to no life experiences, no cognition, no amount of diversity, the various ways to see the world. I didn’t know how to see things in other people’s perspectives, I had no comprehension on what people were trying to tell me. So immersed in my own thoughts, my way of seeing things. It was all....

“inconceivable, it’s inconceivable,” bellows a short, little, bald man.

I didn’t know I needed to listen. I guess that’s why this had to come to pass. Life kicked me in the face because I wasn’t going to. What a way to get a wake up call....

(REMINDERS, I'll be more brief: There is so much rambling and ranting in these coming posts. It's me mostly talking out loud, to myself. Trying to figure some things out. Looking back and asking a lot of what if's on the past couple of years. So the order is jump, skip and all about, as I go in circles, trying to vent all that is in me. So this is mostly for my sake, then for you to read it. It's going to be a lot of confused nonsensicalness to you. I also don't have the time or want to really edit and better draft this. This post is the most incoherent, it’s an all throw in post.)

timeline, below, a sort of reference guide, as you read.

Redmond WA > SF5 > China > SF7 > LV > SF Last > WA1 > WA2, Now

Part V

Tempting, too tempting, to leave WA1 and go to WA2. ( a lot of stream of consciousness... )

REMINDERS, is it getting repetitive? I still have to say this,  So I'll be more brief: There is so much rambling in these coming posts. It's me mostly talking out loud, to myself. Trying to figure some things out. So the order is jump, skip and all about, as I change my stance, looking back and asking a lot of what if's on the past couple of years. So this is mostly for my sake, then for you to read it. It's going to be a lot of confused nonsensicalness to you. I also don't have the time or want to really edit and better draft this.)

timeline, below, a sort of reference guide, as you read.

Redmond WA > SF5 > China > SF7 > LV > SF Last > WA1 > WA2, Now

Part IV

The more I’m here the more I don’t think it was worth it. I can’t focus, I kept wanting to sabotage myself, I don’t want to do anything.. I keep getting distracted, I can’t think straight.. all I’m doing is feeding on nothing but negativity, I totally can’t sustain this... it’s making me lazy. I don’t know how to fix it, and I’m coping worse then ever...

I can’t remember and I forget my storylines all the time, trying to block away pain too much I don’t know what to do, what the HELL am I suppose to do?!?! What a mess, all I want to do is escape, but I can’t.. so I zone out and can’t focus..

Damn, but if I stayed in SF or gone back to China again, would that have done me better?( Read more... )

( REMINDER )

Part III (REMINDER: There is so much rambling in these coming posts. I just want to say these things out loud. So I can let them go a bit. Maybe figure some things out. So the order is jump, skip and all about, as I change my stance as I ask all the what if's, looking from every which way, in perspective. So this is mostly for my sake, then for you to read it. It's going to be a lot of confused nonsensicalness to you. I also don't have the time or want to really edit and better draft this.)

If it were inevitable, if I really needed to go to SF, so that I would be force to go to China, because that’s the most that I got out of these 3 years, all else was pain. If China was necessary, was pivotal for my growth, for my evolvement, then why, why did I had to come back to WA?

Why couldn’t I have just stayed in SF? Or at least tried out some other places in SF, if I couldn’t stay with my mom? Or even gone back to China again? Why was I so hell bent on coming back now? I couldn’t have waited? Waited for a better time, when my life was better, when I had my S$@%! together, when I had this blog thing done and knew if it was a success or not.

*exhales frustratedly* UGH! I came back for a drivers license, A drivers license!! How stupid does that sound?!? ( Read more... )

REMINDER: This post(s) is me mostly talking out loud, talking to myself, rambling. I desperately just want to vent, I’m so mad about things right now. So Warning, this is a rant with rage, cursing, and despair. Again there is risk that you will get confuse. Actually I know you'll get confused, I have the whole story and write from that POV, while you only know a part of the story, glimpses. I write this in my now, looking back and asking a lot of what if's on the past couple of years....

(And as always since I can never be succinct about anything, Plus I’m really mad and pissed about what I have gotten myself into, and my mind is all over the place, so I will do this in Parts.)

This post(s) also is the major reason why I did a timeline, so below is for your connivances, a sort of reference guide, as you read.


Redmond WA > SF5 > China > SF7 > LV > SF Last > WA, Until Now

Part II (There is so much rambling in these coming posts. I just want to say these things out loud. So I can let them go a bit. Maybe figure some things out. So the order is jump, skip and all about, as I change my stance as I ask all the what if's, looking from every which way, in perspective. So this is mostly for my sake, then for you to read it. It's going to be a lot of confused nonsensicalness to you. I also don't have the time or want to really edit and better draft this.)

I so did not know just how spoiled I was in WA, the house I lived in was such a lovely place. I had completely no sense and no comprehension on how good my life was. I was not happy, but then I also didn’t know how good my life was in comparison to other things... Places. (I cannot believe how poorly design some houses are, it’s dumbfounding. Is being a good architect that hard?) I never had to really sacrifice and work. I don’t know how to appreciate and be thankful, to be grateful.

*sigh* but there were many reasons why I felt like that, ( Read more... )

This post(s) is me mostly talking out loud, talking to myself, rambling. I desperately just want to vent, I’m so mad about things right now. So Warning, this is a rant with rage, cursing, and despair. Again there is risk that you will get confuse. Actually I know you'll get confused, I have the whole story and write from that POV, while you only know a part of the story, glimpses. I write this in my now, looking back and asking a lot of what if's on the past couple of years....

(And as always since I can never be succinct about anything, Plus I’m really mad and pissed about what I have gotten myself into, and my mind is all over the place, so I will do this in Parts.)

This post(s) also is the major reason why I did a timeline, so below is for your connivances, a sort of reference guide, as you read.


Redmond WA > SF5 > China > SF7 > LV > SF Last > WA, Until Now

Part I

“Oh, my God!” o(><;)o(;><)o *throws a fit, kicking and screaming* “SO FRUSTRATED!!”

( ><") *smacks forehead, unable to believe, denial-ly shakes head* “Why did my life have to be this way? Why did it have to go this way?”

(T T) *cries, but really can’t, is too numbed and holds too much pain*

(o_ _)o *painfully exhales, defeated, completely tired* “Seriously life? What do you want from me?.......”

I completely don’t know what to do, what is the best option I should choose? I am lost, completely and utterly lost. I so want to die right now, unable to cope. It’s why I’m so unstable right now.

It wasn't worth it. ( Read more... )

The very 1st time I ever heard of the word azn (A.ZEE.AN= Asian) was courtesy of Comcast, the cable company. AZN TV, it was a new channel Comcast offered once it bought / took over my old cable company, in my area in 2003.
 
I found the abbreviation to be so clever, “hey that totally works! If you say azn fast enough, it does sound like Asian. Hmm... interesting.” So I remembered it. Now years later, I can’t help but feel the compulsion to use it, for I have an opportunity to. And well, being lazy, I rather be able to just type 3 letters instead of 5. Yeah, my laziness is that bad. Sorry, I rather sacrifice grammar, then need to do more work. I’m a procrastinator, hate challenge, don’t like dealing...
 
(The ironic thing is that because I’m azn, I’m that way when only given the choice, when I have to do something.. I do it, but at the same time hated doing the work. Waiting to finish something at the last minute is a very bad habit to have. Change that in your child before it’s too late.. by way of expectations and setting down limits, rules. That is vital for parenting. You’ll only know your kid’s weaknesses by paying attention and always communicating. At least that’s my advice to you, from a person that knows how bad a habit is to break, especially one that is against you. Laziness is a disease that leads to bad things.)
 
It’s a symptom of my weaknesses. I like taking shortcuts because it’s easy. Trying to get better and since I know that about myself, I really should just use the word Asian, instead of azn, but I hope to show you all of my weaknesses so that you, if you can relate, be able to know them in you and recognize that they need changing. I hope you remember this whenever I type worlds that are considered shortcuts. You can see other examples, like how I disregard grammar and don’t properly write my numbers. It shows my weaknesses, an offshoot of my many flaws.
 
Did I get you thinking? How your weaknesses can show up in the most mundane of things?... That will be a well-known theme in this blog. One I will explore. Sometimes things appear before you in all sorts of ways. They are reoccurring and connect....

I like to have this as a CheatSheet. So I can use it for future posts as a reference guide. I’m also lazy, so I like using abbreviations or acronyms. It’s easier to type and faster. So keep this in mind as you read this post.

The letters in bold are the abbreviations or acronyms I will use in the future. It would be good to try to remember them.

Intro: My perspective was so small at the time, that once I left (Redmond) WA State all I kept thinking about was to go back. I rarely ever gave living elsewhere a chance; all I did was compare it to my old home. So my mind never settled, all I did was nitpick and not like, I wasn’t willing to compromise, glossing over the benefits to a certain place. And just concentrated on the bad points.

So for 3 years I kept moving trying to find a place where I could be ok living in, but could never stay, I always found problems with it or circumstances made it where I couldn’t stay. I wanted to always go back to WA because that was the only place I loved being in, but didn’t go back until 3 years later because there were too many drawbacks to going back. No family and being too expensive were the major ones. So I tried my options until I was sick of staying in CA and just wanted to go back. This is the journey I took.....

A quick rundown. Will give you more detail and context in future posts. Sorry if this is going to be confusing, I need to keep this short.

( Read more... )

In what way is the best way to teach a child?

Since I like using them, how about I go answering that by using a metaphor....

Swimming.

( Read more... )

This is a quick (and then... more detailed) overview of my life. It’s also a good reference guide if you get confuse to what time frame I am talking about. I do this post because my subsequent posts will not go in linear order, I will jump around a lot. (But mostly this is to set up my next post, to give you some kind of context.)

1st up? Time to give a little bit more background info. on my childhood. How I came to the USA...( Read more... )

I am an extreme person, I live on the edges and have no conception on what it is to be normal. All I know is to suffer, all I know is deprivation. All I think is from a negative angle.

I am sure that I don’t represent a lot of people, ( Read more... )

I know that the next couple of posts will not make much, any, or little sense to you.... but I still feel awful, I’ve been having an year of ending horribleness that has now compounded into sorrowful moods recently. I can’t seem to get myself out of this terrible mess I have now found myself in and I really need to vent.

I was going to write these next few posts after I established more context, but that’s just out the window now. I can’t seem to stop thinking about these dreadful feelings I’ve been having, changing the whole mood of this blog. Again as I have said before, it was going to be more upbeat and more fun, but now, it just can’t, it isn’t, I’ve realized and changed too much for it to be that way anymore.

And writing this blog in my current state, sorry but there is going to be a lot of venting, ranting, and overall negativity, and if you are adverse to that, don’t waste your time and STOP reading NOW... I can’t seem to escape my darkness and so my entrapment will inevitably spill back into this blog.

These forth coming posts will tell you of my conclusions after a long 3 (more like 4, now) years. Much of it isn’t good. It all changed to being all-depressing, I didn’t want it to be like this, but I guess I couldn’t avoid it. It was always going to end like this.

(T_T) My life knows nothing but suffering. Why can’t I ever find happiness and then keep it?...

(That back story) Being in AP English, the main purpose to taking that class is so you can take the “AP English Literature & Composition Exam,” for college credit.

So with that purpose in mind, Mrs. F’s real goal was to prepare us to do well on that said Exam. And one way she prepared us was to have us memorize short passages or quotes from the classic novels we were reading for that year. So when it came to the writing section of the Exam, if we found it to be appropriate, to recite a certain passage, in order to strength the main point we were trying to make in our essay or something like that.

My point is that when we were reading the assigned classic novel for that period of time, we also had to be cognizant on finding a memorable passage to be able to recite because we were going to be tested on that.

And when reading Fyodor Dostoevsky’s “Crime and Punishment,” This next passage grabbed my complete attention, it stopped my leisurely reading of the book and made me want to take in what it was saying.

Quote, Thanks to... about.com: Classic Literature section

"Where is it I've read that someone condemned to death says or think, an hour before his death, that if he had to live on some high rock, on such a narrow ledge that he'd only room to stand, and the ocean, everlasting darkness, everlasting solitude, everlasting tempest around him, if he had to remain standing on a square yard of space all his life, a thousand years, eternity, it were better to live so than to die at once! Only to live, to live and live! Life, whatever it may be!" (from Ch. 13, said by the protagonist Raskolnikov, on what context? forgot...)

My reaction?

“What!? That would be horrible. I would never want that.” I so could not relate to these words. What was this guy saying? Why would you want to live just to live, that has no meaning... to exist, too afraid to die.

I was so completely perplexed on these words, my reaction was and still is the complete opposite to what that quote states. I was so kind of... indignant?.. confused about why a person would want that and my reaction so much the contrary, that years later, to this day I still remember that passage. When many other contents read in my APE class, I’ve mostly forgotten. It didn’t make as much of an impact on me as this quote did.

....That’s who I am, I’m not one to want to just live. I have too many problems with life to find happiness in that. I don’t fear death. My biggest fear, (I have come to know and be proven to be true the more I have come to know myself..) is to live, of life and all that it entails.

I could never stand on a square yard of space for all eternity, just so I wouldn’t face death. Faced with that option, I would gladly greet death with open arms and say a bowed goodbye to life.

This is the perspective I come from while writing this blog. If it isn’t yours and you can agreed with the above passage quote... then I don’t know how willing you will be in hearing my story....

I have so much to say about teachers, about the good and the bad ones, and what makes them so. So I would like to write about them in this blog. Just so that I can feel better about having said something.

I want teachers out there to know what bad teaching is. To tell you what made my class experience enjoyable and what made me feel like I was just wasting my time. It’s a critique on what teachers that really want to do their job well, from a student’s perspective what I found to be very useful and what made me want to kill myself over. A lot of what gave me a tumor was the added need to have to deal with a bad teacher.

But really I just want to vent. I just really wanted to say this, to make the people that could use the advice, know and be aware, so as to not make the same mistakes I found some teachers making. So whenever applicable, I will post up a story about one of my teachers.

All related post to this series, will be under the “teachers” tag.

(I’ve been thinking about this for a while now, and haven’t found a place to post this in relation to my other post because I’ve been taking so long, so I thought I might as well do it now, just so I can stop thinking about this)

I’ve talked about lousy teachers and what makes them so, but I’ve also had really good teachers too. And so today, I wanted to talk about one of them and how she influenced me.

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... It was just good to learn. And enjoy it while doing it. Good teachers make you remember, let you know you aren’t wasting your time, allow you to see how the things you are learning today can be applied to using them tomorrow. ( Read more... ) No matter what the subject is, in life, things always come up, you’ll find the, “Hey?!? I know that!” moments. To be glad to just know something, anything, and be smarter for knowing it. For the kids that can appreciate that, they are the most rewarded for being in the presence of a good teacher.

And with that I leave you with this... For he can say it better then I can...

Thomas Friedman, best known author for “The World Is Flat.”

Hear what he has to say about teachers, in this youtube vid. courtesy from UChannel (you know what’s awesome about youtube? You don’t have to wait for the whole video to load, you can click anywhere and start watching, so...) Start by clicking on the 1 hour and 37 minute mark (most important info at 1:39, finishes at the 1:42 mark, but finish the rest of the vid, at the 1:45:30 mark, what he says about parents is also very interesting and valid).



What he is saying, I find to be so very important and poignant, the best advice to give to a student. Because beyond teachers they’re the ones that need the most advice.

I love Metaphors. ( explains on why )

This is what good teachers do. They make you learn something and then later in life no matter what they taught you, you’ll eventually be able to use it. Because you’ll remember enough to look for that opportunity. Mrs. F was more then a good teacher, she was a fantastic one.

(This is a tangent that relates to this post... I just needed to say this added info, but couldn’t really find a way to putting it in the previous post without disrupting the flow. I have a feeling that this and my last post, are written kind of vague or confusing, a bit rambly and incomplete. It’s because I forgotten the linearity of the events, I could edit and spend more time drafting, but... My God, I really don’t have the time, I need to move on... to better more interesting post. But I still have this compulsion to write about this, it’s more on how things really happened... so this is why this post is here... but you can skip it, if you want. A lot of the time I write so I can stop thinking about it, so I can get it out of my system. Almost like I’m brainstorming...)

For the next 5 years after my tumor, I spent the time trying to figure myself out. All in the mist of having to deal with my last year of HS, my parent’s final escalating clash, build for the inevitable, the destined end, the fallout.... Divorce. And lastly deciding how important college was to me.

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(Note: Remember what I said about memory? Well, this post is one of those to best remember that. You see the way the mind works and how I went about thinking about my life after my tumor.. went in moments. Instances during the day, night, at school, home, random... over a period of years. It went about non-linearly, a bit of a mess, then I remembered back on what I reflected and the conclusions I ended up with and connected the dots and put the events in linear order. So now in this present, 8 years since my tumor, trying to remember how I thought about things back then is a bit difficult. My conclusions also changed over time, as new revelations were met, new info was found, and it’s hard to forget my new stance on things, of how and what I thought before I went and re-evaluated things. I’ve kind of forgotten how and when exactly I realized things, all I know is that I know them now, and it was just during that time that I initially became aware of it. Putting all these events out in written form, to you as readers, needing to worry about having you understand me, and trying to give you context. It’s hard and I find myself changing things around to make it more understandable, (the order of events, not the context of the stories) more linear. When a lot of it came up randomly, all at once, or none at all, in elusive bits, and out of order, to be later put together in a straight line. It was a mess in my head, but I understood the whole story. So what I will write next (and in later posts), I’m sure It’s not how it all went down, but my point is that it was my tumor that got me to this point... more in depth, keep reading.)

I thought, reflected, self-analysis, and at the end, what did I get?

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