Current mood:	curious
Entry tags:	car accident, tumor

Car Accident... pause.
As I have established before, I’ve had difficulty wanting to live ever since the age of 10. The descension has never let up, it’s always been that way, always wanting it to be over, have it be done with.

Dreamt of scenarios where I wished I’ve never been born, I detested it so. Never have I been one of those people to fear death, instead I’ve always feared the prospect of having to live. But every time I marched myself to that edge, something always held me back. I couldn’t, to jump off and finally give up.... not yet... not now.

I needed to know something 1st, I already lived too far past tragedy to have all that go to waste.

You see I wanting to die at 10, but I also was too young to really know what that meant. My depression and lack of coping mechanism with life started then, but wanting to physically die didn’t actually make its concrete comprehension in me until years later. And when I became more aware of why I really wanted to die, I went and got over the period of my car accident. And going through that was what held me back.

There is no way I just spend more than an year nursing myself back to a healthy state, where I had to deal with sometimes grueling physical therapy sessions and annoying doctor appointments to now throw all that away and kill myself now. What? That would be just stupid. If I was to kill myself, I should have done so before my car accident or at the very least very close after it happened.

Don’t go about physically healing yourself to then at the very end go and harm yourself again, that would just be nonsensical. Having all that hard work go to waste. It’s like going to college to get your engineering degree and then at the end of those 4 years you decide to not get a job and live as a homeless bum, I mean what was the point then?

Yeah, so I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t really kill myself then. I came too far a point to then just throw in the towel. I had to find a reason to make it not go to waste. I had to keep on living to make that right. To repay a debt.

That is what my car accident initially did. It gave me time to think, to thoroughly and utterly ask, "why do you want out? " And if it was worth it to do it now? Before I leave this world, did I have anything to contribute to it? Substantial? Important? Was my life still worth living to finding those answers?

....For the time being, it was yes. It would have been too much of a waste not to at least try finding that out. Money was given and an opportunity present too tempting not to.