?

Log in

Previous Entry | Next Entry

2006 until present....Timeline

I like to have this as a "CheatSheet." So I can use it for future posts as a reference guide. I’m also lazy, so I like using abbreviations & acronyms. It’s easier to type and faster. So keep this in mind as you read this post. (Also know that you might get confused while reading this, context will be filled in over the course of the next year, as I write this.)

The letters in bold are the abbreviations or acronyms I will use in the future. It would be good to try to remember them.

Intro: My perspective was so small at the time, that once I left (Redmond) WA State all I kept thinking about was to go back. I rarely ever gave thinking of living elsewhere a chance; all I did was compare it to my old home. So my mind never settled, all I did was nitpick and not like, I wasn’t willing to compromise, glossing over the benefits to a certain place. And just concentrated on the bad points.

So for 3 years I kept moving trying to find a place where I could be ok living in, but could never stay, I always found problems with it or circumstances made it where I couldn’t stay. I wanted to always go back to WA because that was the only place I loved being in, but didn’t go back until 3 years later because there were too many drawbacks to going back. No family and being too expensive were the major ones. So I tried my options until I was sick of staying in CA and just wanted to go back. This is the journey I took.....

A quick rundown. Will give you more detail and context in future posts (click on the tags for updates). Sorry for that, but I need to keep this short.

(Life ran me down farther whenever I stubbornly stood up to it again, foolishly thinking I was right. Lessons were going to be more painful to learn, just to show me how wrong I was. That’s why the journey has been so long, and still not over yet. I haven't fully learned.)

Pre-Timeline


April to September 4, 2006: SF5
  • SF5 = I lived in San Francisco for 5 months, in a house with multiple roommates, my mom found for me. I didn’t like it. I fear people and don’t like sharing my personal space. I also have germaphobia, the place didn’t work for me. An opportunity came up where going to china was an option to live in. It took me 5 months to wear me down into taking that option. Finding another place in SF didn’t turn up any good house situations. So I moved.
September 5, 2006 to March 4, 2007: China
  • China = I lived in China for 6 months. The plan was to paint and draw, to try out my art career, in a place where I had the room to do so. China was so cheap, in relation to the exchange rate to America, I could afford an apartment, instead of just a small room. But something unexpected happened. It got me distracted and I did no work. In China, it was the 1st time I could come close to understand what love meant. It was because of my interactions with my mom’s really good friend. Her best and oldest from childhood.

    I would like to call her MBff: My mom's best friend (forever). She treated me like family. I felt alive for the 1st time, even with all the annoyances that came with the cultural shock of being in China, I really enjoyed my stay. I got too busy hanging out and getting to know MBff, to buckle down and work. It was during this time that I also got an exposure to azn culture and entertainment like I have never had before, my time was used in trying to learn more about it (this would become very important and how I got to a better understanding of myself).

    I ended up leaving because my plane ticket was only set for 6 months before it expired and summer was coming up, which is my least liked of all China’s seasons, so I went back to America to now live with my mom and her husband.
2007.... March 5 to November (Thanksgiving): SF7
  • SF7 (aka SF death) = I moved back to San Francisco for 7 months, to live in a newly rented apartment my mom found, so that I could now be able to live with her, instead of out in a separate room by myself. I severely died during this time. I was still very stubborn at the time and couldn’t stop hating my mom’s husband and SF. Again, all I did was nitpick and focus on the negative, on how much I didn't like. So I got into a bad funk and was left always feeling unhappy. I didn’t do much of anything, didn’t work, except try to escape.

    I went and started to research more into azn entertainment to pass the time. I was waiting for the apartment my mom was renting out in Las Vegas to be available. I got into manga, watched a couple of Taiwanese, some Korean, and a bit of Japanese dramas. Learned about azn music and singers and also watched their version of variety shows. And in turn got more knowledgeable on the usefulness of the internet, in the relation to finding azn communities I never knew where out there.

    I got addicted to finding out more of these azn communities, I never saw or heard of before. People on youtube, reading a lot of blogs and news sites. In short, I started to find out more about people who looked like me, about their stories and culture. Things that the US media always ignored and didn’t really show. At the same time being able to figure myself out more by learning so much about azn entertainment. I got lost again in my head trying to figure myself out. What was wrong with me, why I was so negative, what I needed changing.

    It was during this time that I realized how much of a negative person I am and how much I like to run away. And once that happen the Las Vegas house finally opened up and I could move. (Life allowed me to leave once a lesson was learned.)
November 2007 to November 2008, both during Thanksgiving weekend: LV
  • LV = I lived in Las Vegas for an year. I went there because my mom was offered an opportunity to get into the real estate game, buying the house because it was cheap. Thinking that the house would be a place to retire in or maybe sell it if the house went up in value, etc... she kind of bought it with vague reasons in mind, not thinking it really through. She bought it just before the housing bubble burst (you know what I’m talking about right? what led to the US’s economic collapse?), so as the years passed the house was drppping in value.... But we’ll get more into that after I tell you more on what I did there in LV.

    The main reason on why I had to wait so long to live in the LV house was because she unknowingly rented it out to a really bad couple, awful actually, they were late on the rent and later wouldn’t pay, and then also wouldn't leave, the court and lawyers had to get involved, it was a mess and hard to get them out. But by October they were finally kicked out, I was able to move into the house. (Sidenote’s rant: Ugh, the house was a gross mess. They didn’t take care of it, I was appalled on how unclean they left it, the carpet was black it was so dirty, these were people with no self-respect, it was all implied on the state of the house. It wasn’t just messy, it was disgusting, you knew they didn’t consider good hygiene and cleanliness important. I cried at the sight of it actually, shocked that I would have to live in this house, but with some carpet cleaning and a few trips to Home Depot, my mom, her husband and some friends fixed it to the point where I could feel better about living there.)

    There, in LV, I got the most work done I had been able to do in years. I finally found I was free... and I worked, able to breath, no people around to bother and annoy me. I began to focus on getting my mental health back in order and enjoyed being able to read again.

    My mind wasn’t filled in a fog and was able to think clearly again. I rejoiced and was able to cope with life again. My tolerance-level grew, as small annoyances that would have severely bothered me before, didn’t as much anymore, I had freedom and I clung to that. I was going to stay in LV for as long as it took me to get some work done, it was my best option as a living situation. It was convenient, busing good, cheap stores, a good library I could walk to, it was perfect for everything that I needed.

    For work?... I got so much exposure from China and found so many revelations about myself that the idea came to write it down. My goal was still pursuing art and how to make a name for myself. I already wrote how it all went down here (aka ""), so I won’t get into it again. It was a few good months of work, as I outlined my blog and read again, I missed books and magazines. I also was able to relax as I enjoyed tv and explored new music.

    Then I died for 5 month because of the LV heat, it was so brutal, I couldn’t work. But I still didn’t leave or think to move because again, the options were not to my favor. Going back to SF, I just couldn’t, I really didn’t like the place. I knew I would hate it there, so after some debating, I decided to bite my time and wait the summer out. I’ll be able to work then. . . . later. But once the temperatures finally went down, thinking I had the time to work again, I was kicked in the face, my progress was halted. I had to leave. My mom was not going to pay (the mortgage) for the house anymore, it wasn’t worth the price that she had to pay for it, so she decided to let it go into foreclosure. I couldn’t stay, so back I went to SF.
November 2008 to June 5, 2009: SF Last
  • SF Last = Where I lived in San Francisco for the "Last" time. I stayed for 7 months again... I guess my tolerance level for staying in a place I'm uncomfortable in, is always around half an year. This time, instead of art, my goal was to finish this blog, but my minuscule ability to cope with life, my negative attitude, my need to always escape, I couldn’t be happy with staying in SF, I couldn’t deal. I’m very empty inside, so when external things aren’t what I like them to be, I sink and get aggravated... I really tried for a time, tried to work in SF, but life kept getting to me. I kept feeling worse and then awful and WA keep returning back to me in my mind. I longed for it, I missed it. But really I left SF and finally came back to WA because of a driver’s license. My god the stupidity of how that sound...

    But let me tell you why I went back for that. Being lazy, not wanting to deal, work, I didn’t want to go through the hassles of taking the CA driver’s written test and I would have to if I were to stay, my license was going to expire. I didn’t like any other place and thought only of WA, so if I was going to go back anyways, I didn’t thinking of staying in SF longer, not if I would have to take the driver’s written test. Twice. One for CA and then another one for WA, when I would go back.

    I guess I should have thought about that more, thought of maybe of China instead of WA. China was fun and has a really good friend. Gone back to WA only when I had the money to and the job. When I could buy a house and not have to live in a roommate situations. Now I’m all-alone here, no car, and without my mom being able to help me, she’s too far. I forgot how many weaknesses I have, my loner-ness makes me unable to live with people comfortably. I missed my old home not really WA. I kind of didn’t realized that until now.... too late. *shakes head sadly*
June 6, 2009 to September 2009: WA1
  • WA1= Where I came back to Washington State, where I 1st lived in a house with a roommate, for two months. In a convenient location. With good busing, and close to the library. But the place was noisy, there was a lot of construction, and the house was dark. I also was alone and not having a car, it was difficult at times. Again, like always, I nitpick. Listing everything that was not up to standard.

    Looking back, it was ok. I would have had to stay, if an option haven’t lured me away. Again my weaknesses, I can’t concentrate on the positives and when something is not 100%, I always want to escape.
September 2009 until now: WA2
  • WA2 = Where after coming back to Washington State, it's the 2nd house I lived (well.. now live) in, with an Azn family. In the middle of nowhere.

    Why did I come here? Because compared to the 1st house, it had more light and it was in the suburbs, so it would be quieter, something I need so I can concentrate and write (too bad, I didn’t think to the possibility of the people inside the house being noisy and the sound of rain outside my window drives me insane, the blame is on the poorly design rain gutters, echoing drips...”ugh”). It also had wireless internet and a free phone, in which the other house didn’t include that in the rent. Going to the library everyday for internet at the 1st house, was ok, but it was also distracting, I just wanted to read and there was people. And this current house also belongs to an old friend / acquaintance of my mom’s, so she would be more willing to help me out if I needed something, like a ride to Chinatown to buy food.

    But I can’t settle into this house mostly because of the noise sometimes and how it’s not very convenient. But really it’s that I can’t deal with people. I know now, that no matter what, I CAN NOT live with people. I fear them. I have issues that make me uncomfortable being so close to them... It’s just... *sigh* I’m a mess that can’t deal with life, whatever it throws at me.

    It’s why I’ve been suicidal for so long. I can’t seem to find happiness. Everyday, I find more things that are wrong with me. It’s just been so long that I have found a place that felt like home. But really, it’s because life needed to tell me how many flaws I have, and only in this painful way of showing me could I understand what they were. I really need to stop running....
Looking over the timeline can you see the horrendousness of my life over those 3 years? (I’m just so over having to deal. My God, it’s been a long time since I’ve really laughed and was happy or content. More then a year at the very least.) Count them... That is a lot of moving. From moving in and out of houses, I’ve done that 7 times. Why? I’m a runner because I’m quitter, I seriously can’t cope with life. And over the course of this blog I will tell you why. (Sorry I keep saying that, but it’s really because I have to set this up so much, to give context. And I haven’t the 1st clue to how best write a story, that’s why this isn’t better-ly written.)

Update: I am now in "SF Present"

Profile

abacus
clowninpathos
clowninpathos

Latest Month

October 2013
S M T W T F S
  12345
6789101112
13141516171819
20212223242526
2728293031  

Tags

Powered by LiveJournal.com
Designed by heiheneikko